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omg, the weather's so hot these days, i can really feel that heat radiating from the windows.
just made a new resolution, to start muggin for EOYs. i think this yr is really screwed, sec 1 and 2 msg never exceeded 2.5 before. sec 2 can get 1st in class, then the road downhill starts. And i can't understand why i seem to be so farking busy and then still not producing the results i want. or expect. maybe i cant balance my commitments? expectation huh. i think its expectation that ruining me.
totally ruining.
and i get damned depressed maybe because iam not accustomed to such synchronised and consecutive failures. it freezes my blood, and i get up each day like this: the first 2 seconds feeling the pain as light burns into my eyes. then the next second, reality sets in as i see my desk, my books, my laptop, and then the dread sets in. dread for the day. it reminds me of work. somehow the retarded and those who don't know what reality is; the toddlers who don't even know what the heck is results and expectation and commitment.
not that. i see some sec students in my neighbouhood feeling very free. free. ok, they come from schs i never heard of. but there are also those bright sparks out there. my neighbour's daughter from sngs, opp wld be my ex-classmate now in rgs, then some houses away, also ex-classmate now in ri. and its also irritating my mum keeps comparing me to them. yea, she assumes, and it totally sucks.
1 week ago, ms wong(sm) distributed some reflection form. Damnit i critisised the expectations of teachers of the supposedly 'best' class and the uncommitted way they teach like siao. there were 5 printed lines. i wrote more than 8.
depressed.
dad's collecting his new car tmr. teachers' day on tues, and i feel so much like a hypocrite, having to say stuff that i don't mean. yea, that's the job of the emcee anyway. not that iam ungrateful, but to a certain extent...
yesterday pday grands. yea, got this certificate and will be getting trophy on mon. saw tiffany, she's disappointed with the results but we did our best anyway, didn't we?
i'll prove what i wrote in the reflection form to be true, wait and see. "...and because of these repeated proofs of failures of my educational and inspirational pillars, i have in my own will decided to pick myself up and proceed with this rite of passage on MY own..."
tell me that i can fail...nobody is perfect
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.:kindling a fiery thought at 12:52 PM:.
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sabbaticals ended today. so sch ended like arnd 12? ya. cld have gone home after that, but under the insistance from lionel, we wenta see mdm ong about teacher's day emcee script again. okie, so now we're doing one whole scene english then another whle scene chinese. then later on when practising halfway, cldn't help but to laugh cos of the allemande part. "William from the Hutchins School, Tasmania, will be performing the allemande from Bach's suite no.1 for cello in C". mr goh scolded jun zhi for prounouncing it as alle-man-de on thurs when he was stand-in for me. says it must be Ar-Lar-Marn-Dae from Bac's suite. so bach is prounounced as bac. HAHA. try saying that sentence with these pronounciations; it sounds damn funny. and difficult to say/
8 cps now to chem after today. but i dun really care. to heck with the ace system. too bad the school doesn't realise that we will always have a way to cheat our way out of some crap system. was talkin to kevin sometime ago abt this thing. i mean, its like, its a bit da ridiculous for the sch to just put in place some system to force students to read outside cirriculum, and not tryin to understand why thy don't. yea.they ask for feedback yet rebutt everything u say or dun do anything. so we give up. then? they blame us for not speaking up. gd job man.
wad if i told you that i think iam addicted to..music? the piano to be more specific. played from 3+ to 630, didn't feel like stopping. this interest only started like 2 yrs ago. inspired. before tt was like playing because i was forced to..mum didn't let me stop since..er...5 yrs old? yea. and i think richard clayderman rocks. max payne too. my ambitions' not to become a musician, so..haha..excercise self-control.
saw nicholas comin out with his pillow. said that film studies ppl watch movies for 2 days throughout. today 'breakcamp'. humourous. especially when he said those films were the olden english films..tts sian
read this essay by this south african Nicola Lazenby. nicely done, sth about hope from within the improverished land. ok..it touching, won first prize for dunno which category for commonwealth sometime ago. dun despise the blacks. i know a lot of us do..haha..esp chs ppl yea..always hear abt those indian stuff.. >_<
okay. i know wad to do now. i just need the motivation to do so. you have to be able to see your goals and know wad you want to be able to work towards it. so for now, its working blindly.
it justs keeps buggin me...like a floating iceberg in my mind..wish me hope
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.:kindling a fiery thought at 9:53 PM:.
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yayz, music test's finished. FINISHED n' done with. didn feel as nervous as i expected cos te examiner looked like a robot..haha (gettin lame). but nvm, iam VERY high now..one thing off my mind. left sch at 12 today, cos the lesson wasnt very productive, rather go home and do some last min work, so i just told her "i will go now". and left. haha..think aim a gettin a bit too arrogant these few days..really, but the thing is that theres no time to waste. its the principle of efficiency anywae.
pday rehearsal on fri and the real thing on sat. anywae talking abt pday, has been so long since our first meeting yea, as in my group. haha..aim high and u'll get it..yea..its been long, and thx galven, tristan, sam and tiffany for the work everyone put in and everything else..congrats to us anyway
its rainin now..i love the rain. it clogs out the worries and distress. i think some of the sec 2s are a bunch of idiots, anyone in council can agree with tt man, look at cheng l, always go round acting boss and then when he screws up, we as in sec 3s get the blame. stupid. theres some guy from 2f i think, i dunno wads his name, always go round acting like like some gangster, he thinks he can scare ppl like tt..haha
today when those forensic ppl were waiting for the lab to open, alvin, lionel and me were trying to sabo wee. first, made another copy of lionel'scontact in my phone, changed from ong lay peng to lionel. then lionel smsed sth like : ask wee chern to see me in at my desk now, how can he behave this way and what kind of monitor is this, get him here. of cos mdm ong doesnt talk this way so he didnt believe..then later on we tried a few more times until sian.. but one was funny..from alvin..goes like this: Get wee chern to see mr hon at his office now. Iam pissed off. tell that SOB that if he doesnt go NOW, he' s dead. haha..for comic purposes only lar.
forensics was damn boring manz, msged some ppl but then all the mundane replies, wanna get some more contacts to..haha..entertain myself
some guy came to collect my dad's car today..so one car less for the week. means i'll have to go home myself on fri. haha. anywae fri's that army open hse thingy..
my laptop's laggin very badly nowadays argh. oh yea, just remembered that can go sch at 11 tmr. yAY..can slp later. ok, iam bored now, lets see, who's online..
but love without hope and faith is an agonizing death...
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.:kindling a fiery thought at 10:59 PM:.
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feeling extremely irritated, cos i juz realised after looking through my scales bk that i completely forgot about the last and 2nd last sections (and the tr didn't even remind me)..piano test is tmr, will do something abt it. and also because of the damned inefficiency of the SAF personnel. Just almost got scolded for banging on the piano, in irritation and despair.
25m live range today. we left sch at 1230 for SAFTI MI. and those hags there were so inefficient we only left that place at 6.30pm; wasting my time. no wonder some ppl tell me that only idiots sign on as regulars after NS, yea maybe. but on a brighter note, i managed to get marksmanship again, which mean perfect score for this round! haha..2 times consecutively liao. anyway, still quite stunned now...cld feel the shockwaves on the ground everytime someone fires..it gets worse if you are the one firing, cos of the blast of gun powder into your eyes when you pull the trigger...plus the noise and recoil...
3rd september: army open hse. and we have to go as student helpers? the clt was saying got cip hrs, and get to lead girls' sch around. stupid. no way. iam not going, it another big waste of timel..iam telling you, theres much more to life and theres much more i wanna do in this lifetime than being so lame forever.
just made a new resolve..never to have an army career, esp those infantry stuff. wastin' my whole life.. (i sound like i hate the army eh..maybe.)
Life doesn't require that we be the best, only that we try our best, and we'll make it together...
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.:kindling a fiery thought at 10:57 PM:.
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omg..so many things to do tis' week. piano exam on wed, and it happens to clash with fieldtrip to HSA's laboratories, oh well. pday grandfinal rehearsal's tmr..think i will skip, needa go home practise man. oh yar, sharks..still have teachers' day emcee rehearsal and script to write, wah sian..means will reach home very late..argh. nvm, will find some excuse.
just remembered that theres 25m live firing on tues afternoon. oh manz, that leaves me with 2 nights to practise for test only:'( yep, must preserve marksmanship for this round again!!
writing trs' day emcee script now, write one sentence on word doc, then paste it into msn window for lionel to translate, then take the translated versions and paste back into word doc again. efficient? haha...
am very sleepy now.....
A simple smile is all it takes to make one happy. Love can come in many different ways, shapes and sizes... but a simple smile will conquer everything and leave the best of us speechless....
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.:kindling a fiery thought at 11:11 PM:.
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